These days, the most surprising thing about A Charlie Brown Christmas is the inclusion of scripture from the book of Luke.  The story famously goes that, when confronted, Charles Schulz said, “if we don’t do it, who will?”  It is quite true that such a thing would never fly on network television today; it barely got through almost 50 years ago.  But that’s not all.  I watched the show earlier (finally broke down and bought it on DVD) and I couldn’t help but wonder what would happen with the Peanuts gang if this same story were to play out today…

• The Brown & Van Pelt parents would be arrested for allowing two little boys to wander the streets at night looking for Christmas trees.
• Charlie Brown would be ticketed for not having his dog on a leash.
• Charlie Brown would be sued for negligence for allowing his dog to recklessly endanger children while figure skating without adult supervision!
• Surely, Snoopy would be considered a dangerous animal & have to be put down for injuring the figure skating children.
• Child Services would take Pig Pen away for living in filthy conditions.
• Shermy would vent his anger about being a shepherd again via Twitter.
• Schroeder would be required to join a musician’s union.
• Lucy would have to pay fines to the city for illegally operating a business without the necessary permits.
• Lucy would go to jail for practicing psychiatry without a license.
• The ASPCA would sue Lucy for taking a swing at Snoopy.
• Lucy would be expelled for threatening Linus.
• Sally would be sued for sexually harassing Linus.
• Some environmental group would sue Charlie Brown for killing the little tree (and, no, it would not matter that he didn’t actually kill it).
• The children would be in violation of a city ordinance & ticketed for throwing snowballs at a tin can instead of recycling it.
• The ACLU  would sue the gang for putting on a “Christmas” play in a public school.
• The Wisconsin atheist group Freedom From Religion would sue Linus for reciting scriptures in a public facility.

That’s all I could think of for now, but I’m sure there will be more added to the list once Congress is done spending billions of dollars on their investigation of the Peanuts gang’s ties to Coca-Cola.  I can see it all now, Linus in front of a hearing being questioned by Harry Reid, “Mr. Van Pelt, did you or did you not receive advertising money from Coke for purposely sliding into one of their billboards, and why has that evidence been stricken from public record?”

Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown.

Update – 12/15/2011 7:29 pm:

• Charlie Brown would be given Zoloft for his depression.